Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust..

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze..

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me.".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness"..

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one..

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red..

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it..

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.".

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels..

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds..

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes..

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my ….

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down..

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anyt….

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor..

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?".

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again..

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R..