Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself..

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot..

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A prema….

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Bli….

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off..

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'..

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.".

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'C….

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay -….

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.".

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows..

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, th….

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivari….

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the f….

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before..

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy..