Explore Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.