Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

- Ken Dodd

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

- Ken Dodd

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The t…

- Ken Dodd

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

- Ken Dodd

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

- Ken Dodd

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

- Ken Dodd

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

- Ken Dodd

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

- Ken Dodd

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

- Ken Dodd