You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be…

- Alonzo Bodden

I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle wou…

- Alonzo Bodden

I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are t…

- Alonzo Bodden

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see w…

- Alonzo Bodden

Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the hist…

- Alonzo Bodden

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

- Alonzo Bodden

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line…

- Alonzo Bodden

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

- Alonzo Bodden

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years... it's called cash.

- Alonzo Bodden