What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!

- Alan Carr

A true friend never asks of you what they know you would never ask of them.

- Alan Carr

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I'd gone to Africa I would have got poached.

- Alan Carr

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Th…

- Alan Carr

All change requires effort and sacrifice. Sometimes action plans fail because they are based on the idea that there is a 'magic bullet' which on its …

- Alan Carr

'Civilians' is a term I love. It's what Elizabeth Hurley used to describe people who weren't on TV.

- Alan Carr