When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

- Lewis Black

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

- Lewis Black

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twe…

- Lewis Black

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

- Lewis Black

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

- Lewis Black

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

- Lewis Black

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And …

- Lewis Black

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

- Lewis Black

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

- Lewis Black