It should seem that it is easier to square the circle than to get round a mathematician.

I learned how fast you can go from being an international hero to being a reference in a joke on a late night talk show.

Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.

It is most gratifying," it said, "that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients, and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives ... thank you.

An Englishman teaching an American about food is like the blind leading the one-eyed.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.