Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

- Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

- Steven Wright

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

- Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

- Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

- Steven Wright

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

- Steven Wright

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

- Steven Wright