Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
Life's a short trip. You'll find out. - Rodney Dangerfield
Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
- Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one. - Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. - Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. - Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. - Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. - Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. - Rodney Dangerfield
You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
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