I'm decorating my parents' house for Christmas... I hope they find my manger with a baby yeezus in it as funny as I do!

- Lisa Lampanelli

Larry the Cable Guy has everything: sleeveless shirts, stupid catchphrases. He's Mr. T without the acting chops.

- Lisa Lampanelli

A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.

- Lisa Lampanelli

Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass.

- Lisa Lampanelli

Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping.

- Lisa Lampanelli

Even going on stage is a service because it brings people up from thinking about their lost job or their lost spouse or something like that, so that …

- Lisa Lampanelli