Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

- Billy Connolly

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

- Billy Connolly

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

- Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

- Billy Connolly

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated even…

- Billy Connolly

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you …

- Billy Connolly

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

- Billy Connolly

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

- Billy Connolly

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

- Billy Connolly