We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

- Spike Milligan

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

- Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

- Spike Milligan

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

- Spike Milligan

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

- Spike Milligan

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

- Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

- Spike Milligan

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

- Spike Milligan