My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.
[I'm] more German than Irish. - Bill Burr
[I'm] more German than Irish.
- Bill Burr
We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be… - Bill Burr
We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be…
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not reall… - Bill Burr
Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not reall…
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog. - Bill Burr
Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure. - Bill Burr
Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.
Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich? - Bill Burr
Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added p… - Bill Burr
Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added p…
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers - Bill Burr
Deny your emotions and act like you have answers
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again. - Bill Burr
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
Login to join the discussion
Login to join the discussion