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You can never love anyone to your own detriment. That is not love, that is possession, control, fear, or a combination of them all.
Iyanla Vanzant
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Interpretation

What this quote means

True love does not come at a personal cost; it is not about control or fear.

This quote emphasizes that genuine love should never harm or diminish oneself. If love leads to personal sacrifice, possession, or fear, it instead reflects unhealthy attachment rather than true affection. True love should empower both individuals, rather than create a sense of ownership or control over one another.

Themes

LoveSelflessnessRelationshipsControlFear

In practice

Example use cases

During a relationship workshop to illustrate the importance of healthy love.

More from Iyanla Vanzant

Why can't women get along? Because we're afraid. We're afraid to be vulnerable. We're afraid to be soft. We're afraid to be hurt. But most of all, we're afraid of our power. So we become controlling and aggressive and vicious.
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Challenges come so we can grow and be prepared for things we are not equipped to handle now. When we face our challenges with faith, prepared to learn, willing to make changes, and if necessary, to let go, we are demanding our power be turned on.
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Feminine power is silent, dark, mysterious, healing, nurturing. A woman can walk into a room and control it. She doesn't even have to open her mouth if she knows where her power is.
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Your greatest adversary is also your greatest teacher. Like it or not, it is the job of certain people to bring out the worst in you. What they trigger is already in you. They are here to reveal the sore, tender wounded places in your heart and mind, and they are providing you with a wonderful and divine opportunity for healing.
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You have a right to say no. Most of us have very weak and flaccid 'no' muscles. We feel guilty for saying no. We get ostracized and challenged for saying no, so we forget it's our choice. Your 'no' muscle has to be built up to get to a place where you can say, 'I don't care if that's what you want. I don't want that. No.'
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