My problem is with the warped value system our culture has. Why is it that if you knife a woman in a movie it's PG, but if you swear at her it's rate…

- Tim Dorsey

It's only socialism if the money goes down, not up.

- Tim Dorsey

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

- Tim Dorsey

Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.

- Tim Dorsey

Hang on to your dreams with everything you got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don't but you never…

- Tim Dorsey

I don't suffer from insanity. I can actually say that I enjoy it.

- Tim Dorsey

A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net worth and familiarity wit…

- Tim Dorsey

Nature's what it's all about, but our people have been brainwashed into thinking that life is a cell phone against your head and the TV on a beer com…

- Tim Dorsey

A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida. Then it got weird.

- Tim Dorsey