I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's …

- Michael Mcintyre

They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon Brown phoning up going 'pass th…

- Michael Mcintyre

There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.

- Michael Mcintyre

My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc..…

- Michael Mcintyre

Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.

- Michael Mcintyre

I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.

- Michael Mcintyre

So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face.

- Michael Mcintyre