Quotes on Witty

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Never ask while you are doing it if what you are doing is fun. Don't introduce even your most reliably witty acquaintance as someone who will set the table on a roar.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

No man is good enough to govern another man without the other's consent.

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Political language... is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.