What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?

- Randy Glasbergen

He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his…

- Randy Glasbergen

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

- Randy Glasbergen

I learned about stress management from my kids. Every night after work, I drink some chocolate milk, eat sugary cereal straight from the box, then ru…

- Randy Glasbergen

Whenever I call a company and get put on hold, I never really feel like I'm being held.

- Randy Glasbergen

Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3

- Randy Glasbergen

These motivational tapes have really inspired me! I'm going to make a million dollars, buy my own company and retire early. Then, I'm going to write …

- Randy Glasbergen

It's called 'reading'. It's how people install new software into their brains.

- Randy Glasbergen

I think men were destined to become homemakers. After all, who ever heard of "Ms. Clean" or the "Woman from Glad"?

- Randy Glasbergen