I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things..

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately..

Marriage is like retiring as a bachelor and getting a sexual pension. You don't have to work for the sex any more, but you only get 65% as much..

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong..

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series..

If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too..

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse..

Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the….

True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day..

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea..

When a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay her – and usually it's the last..

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff..

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress..

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married..

Each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people..

Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with..

Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness. That union is not merely between husband and wife; it embraces a partnership wit….