Quotes on Humor

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is.

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a storm; but in the calm he is guilty of all the good he does not do.

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'