Explore Quotes on Humor

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

I got my start in silent radio.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to keep out of prison, but anything that goes beyond this is voluntary submission to an unnecessary tyranny.

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.