Explore Quotes on Humor

We made too many wrong mistakes.

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.