Explore Quotes on Humor

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.