Explore Quotes on Witty

I love people; it's mankind I can't stand.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you.

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, " This is an interesting world I find myself in, an interesting hole I find myself in; fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well! It must have been made to have me in it!

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.

Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge.

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.