Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance..

A modern school where football is taught..

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism..

The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two..

When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours..

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to….

Alligator: The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World..

Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it mak….

INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman..

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute..

That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it..

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two..

BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker..

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who ke….

You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not e….

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice..

IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices..

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations..

Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas..

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh..