I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro..

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut..

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine..

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem..

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine..

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long..

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this..

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse..

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the su….

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep..

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs..

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose..

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life..

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is..

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night..

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting..

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death..

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life..

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah..

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party..

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself..