How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig..

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of ….

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door..

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that..

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles….

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! M….

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of….

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus,….

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours..

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still..

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative..