And isn't that weird? Think about this, when you're born, you nurse on your mama. And then you get a little older, you go to applesauce. And then you….

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day..

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome..

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You….

I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies..

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger..

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south..

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums..

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that..

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button..

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey..

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that ….

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge..

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!.

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you ….

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nop….

I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos..

You can't climb a tile wall..

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at ….

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of sha….

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work..