As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room s….

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you..

God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was hel….

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list..

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran ….

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looke….

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others..

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me..

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for no….

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut b….

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. ….

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I jus….

I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good f….

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!"..

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew ….

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer ….

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talkin….