Bob Hope

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

I was there. I saw your sons and your husbands, your brothers and your sweethearts. I saw how they worked, played, fought, and lived. I saw some of them die. I saw more courage, more good humor in the face of discomfort, more love in an era of hate and more devotion to duty than could exist under tyranny.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.