The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned..

Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for..

Please don't stand up on my account..

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons..

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them..

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all..

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens..

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage..

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo..

I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there..

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting..

If my golf game was a prize fight, they'd stop it..

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it..

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me..

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that..

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type..

The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it..

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level..