Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!.

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers..

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls..

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes..

Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America..

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot..

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy..

Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns..

Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on….

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots..

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up..

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens..

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip..

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them..

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better..

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas..

Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees..

Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at..

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade..

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage..