Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees..

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them..

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go ou….

We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs. He [President Ford] never decides which course he will play until after the first tee shot..

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show..

He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America..

I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105..

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?.

Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me..

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy..

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else..

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the h….

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better..

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it..

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots..

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage..

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of ….