If you got a hit every third time that you went up to bat in the major leagues, you'd be the greatest hitter of all time. I think my average is a lit….

I found out if you're a funny guy, a lot of people like you..

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy..

Women feel safe with me. Because a woman with me knows that she can stop the situation from advancing to a point that she's comfortable at any time..

I don't know how to write jokes from the point of view of a six-foot-two guy. So, I'll always talk about it, but I just don't want it to be the absol….

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now..

Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this..

Every now and then you'll say something that didn't quite work. But the important thing is, as a comic, you try to learn why it didn't. And then you ….

I don't want to be mean. I try not to be..

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour..

I kind of want to know a little bit about everything..

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true..

I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet..

Every now and then we're going to fail..

I've been to Canada, and they love - oh my God, they love their stand-up comedy in Canada. I've been overseas to do shows for the troops all over the….

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told ….

In every other aspect of their life, we have entertainment that is crafted almost to an individual. So they expect that from stand-up as well..

I don't know, why am I called the opposite of what I am? It's very confusing to me..

I'm in awe of comedians that do things that I can't do, whether it be a one-liner comic like Anthony Jeselnik, whether it be social issues commentary….

I try not to be hateful..

When a soldier of the night's watch dies they say, "And now his watch is over." That's what they say when a comedian dies. They go, "And now his tour….