I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that. I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy….

Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall whe….

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well..

Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?.

The ultimate objective [of comedy] is to get a laugh, so if you can get a laugh off the fact that you did not get a laugh, then you've kinda saved th….

I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, y….

Relevance is kind of a weird thing. If one does topical material, it makes sense to want to be relevant. But if someone talks about donut sprinkles, ….

You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that thing onstage usually, but offstage s….

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour..

The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my eyes and ears open and have new stuff..

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how ….

Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel that way at all. I just think….

Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective..

If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again..

I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve..

I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative..

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge.".

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting..

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I th….

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no di….

Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT!.