I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing an….

I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. Hey, enjoy your meal. You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it….

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I….

I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see t….

Do not stand directly in front of a cannon...how true that is..

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started t….

Superhero power... I probably would just want to fly. I definitely would not want to be able to see through walls. I think walls are there for a reas….

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe ….

I'm always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do; I feel very lucky to be able to do what I do, and I never get tired of it. Every time I….

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto ja….

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the ….

The bigger the show, the weirder it is..

The only way I'd want to do something in television would be if it was about how I think as a comedian. I'd need to be able to be a creator. That's w….

I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm on stage I'm not just trying to make the c….

If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get….

I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myse….

I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make i….

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted..

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in h….

Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop d….

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you..