George Carlin

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.