George Carlin

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.