George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.