A man who is an agnostic by inheritance, so that he doesn't remember any time that he wasn't, has almost no hatred for the religious..

Friendship is a common belief in the same fallacies, mountebanks and hobgoblins..

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong..

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup..

The learned are seldom pretty fellows, and in many cases their appearance tends to discourage a love of study in the young..

The plain people, hereafter as in the past, will continue to make their own language, and the best that grammarians can do is to follow after it, hal….

The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself..

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance..

In Baltimore, soft crabs are always fried (or broiled) in the altogether, with maybe a small jock-strap of bacon added..

School days, I believe, are the unhappiest in the whole span of human existence..

Men always try to make virtues of their weaknesses. Fear of death and fear of life both become piety..

[Texas is] the place where there are the most cows and the least milk and the most rivers and the least water in them, and where you can look the far….

I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark..

Government, in its very essence, is opposed to all increase in knowledge. Its tendency is always towards permanence and against change...[T]he progre….

What the meaning of human life may be I don't know: I incline to suspect that it has none..

In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with something to sell..

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downrigh….

Even a superstitious man has certain inalienable rights: the right to harbor and indulge his imbecilities, provided only that he does not try to infl….

It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs ….

How do they taste? They taste like more..

I know some who are constantly drunk on books as other men are drunk on whiskey..