Explore Quotes by Jon Stewart

The government that governs best, governs best!

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.

How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?

Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government

I want a sandwich named after me.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square. It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"

When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.