Explore Quotes by Jon Stewart

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.