Jon Stewart

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don't worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency.

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion -we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay?

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.

Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.