There's so many vegetarian foods now that are available at the market . The same with drive-throughs. Now, a lot of them serve veggie burgers just li….

Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled..

I play a lot of sports. I'm not real good at any of them. I'm above adequate..

I don't mind seeing two guys kissing, you know, as long as they're clean-shaven..

A novel is too much of a commitment. I tend to peruse Twitter - I check to see if I had any mentions and read the latest messages..

I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push..

It's kind of fun when you're playing characters that aren't quite on the up and up and people still like you..

I'd been doing some light-beer commercials for Budweiser and Coors, and I was doing stand-up comedy. I wanted to get into the acting world, and my ag….

When a show has been on for so long, you lose fans, you gain fans. I remember this from 'Saturday Night Live.'.

I was never really an impressionist. If there was somebody within my range, maybe I could work on it and do a little exaggeration of them - which I t….

I tried to read the Bible, I did, but it always felt like a much less awesome Lord of the Rings..

I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn’t see that as a job description anywhere..

A whole generation of people that didn't know me from 'SNL' recognize me from 'Weeds' now. People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the wor….

Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness..

I remember the first date I ever went out on. It was in high school. Her name was Marguerite. She was kind of a heavyset girl... I took her out on on….

I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper.

I played a security guard, and I think it was in the State Department. This was my first acting role, really, and I remember rehearsing it on the cou….

I don't smoke pot or cigarettes, so inhaling smoke as a non-smoker - it doesn't matter what it is, it's going to make you lightheaded..

I've noticed a surge when I go out somewhere, or if I'm doing stand-up..

They say that moving is one of the most stressful things in life. Death in the family is the second most stressful, and moving your dead spouse is th….

When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman….