Mark Twain

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.