Mark Twain

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

An American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans.

...the administration of the law can never go lax where every individual sees to it that it grows not lax in his own case, or in cases which fall under his eyes.

It would not be possible for Noah to do in our day what he was permitted to do in his own ... The inspector would come and examine the Ark, and make all sorts of objections.

The laws of Nature, that is to say the laws of God, plainly made every human being a law unto himself, we must steadfastly refuse to obey those laws, and we must as steadfastly stand by the conventions which ignore them, since the statutes furnish us peace, fairly good government, and stability, and therefore are better for us than the laws of God, which would soon plunge us into confusion and disorder and anarchy if we should adopt them.

If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.

We have an insanity plea that would have saved Cain.

Those people.... early stricken of God, intellectually - the departmental interpreters of the laws in Washington... can always be depended on to take any reasonably good law and interpret the common sense all out of it.

As for the dinosaur - But Noah's conscience was easy; it was not named in his cargo list and he and the boys were not aware that there was such a creature. He said he could not blame himself for not knowing about the dinosaur, because it was an American animal and America had not then been discovered.

More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.

If we could imagine such a man, that is a man who could invent the fly and send him out on his mission and furnish him with his orders: Depart into the uttermost corners of the earth and, diligently do your appointed work. Persecute the sick child, settle upon its eyes, its face, its hands, and gnaw and pester and sting, worry and fret and madden the worn and tried mother who watches by the child and humbly prays for mercy and relief with the pathetic faith of the deceived and the unteachable.

Heaven is the very last place to come to rest and don't you be afraid to bet on that!

Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd all have frozen to death!

Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might be proud to call his own - but I wish to sell out

Love heightens all senses - except the common.

I hope all of us may eventually be together in everlasting peace and bliss -- except the inventor of the #‎ telephone .

Etiquette requires us to admire the human race.

When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.

A mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top.

Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.