Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with….

There's something amazing about tea. It's good before a meal, after a meal, when drunk, when taking drugs, while playing football and after being cal….

Englishmen do like to get in a dress, any excuse..

There was a big age difference between me and my brothers - about 10 years - so I was an only child for a long time. I used to hang out a lot on my o….

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't ….

In comedy, you see yourself as a newcomer and then you realize you've been doing it for 18, 20 years, which is ridiculous..

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind..

All my friends got dogs and cats for Christmas, and I got a starfish called Roy. I used to take him down to the park on a lead..

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And so….

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own..

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo..

I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. ….

I'm a mischievous drunk..

We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo..

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a….

I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, an….

When you're quite young, your imagination's quite free..