The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that..

The Clinton Administration has turned out to be a boon. I knew that he would be wonderful, I just knew it from the beginning. From Arkansas? Shoot..

I've been on the campaign trail so long, some of my wine has turned to vinegar..

A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you're walking down a street and you spot a moose?.

I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limou….

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down..

Why should old people get [Social Security]? They just sit around all day doing nothing..

I don't need adult supervision..

Many of you have asked why it's taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing a….

The No. 1 cause of forest fires is trees..

It is true that all of the current presidential candidates once denied that they had any intention of running. But the fact that I am also a liar, do….

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself-and possibly teh bogey man..

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past. I don't think about it..

Presidents tend to tinker, you know, and mess everything up..

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check..

I've upped my standards. Now, up yours..

Will I obliterate national debt? Sure, why not?.

On the issue of inflation, I think I could solve it no matter how much money it took..

All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian..

Censorship does not interfere with the constitutional rights of every American to sit alone in a dark room in the nude and cuss..

No Taxes. Let's just tip the government 15% if they do a good job..