If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God..

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen..

I left home because I was hungry..

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to ….

I only come to life when there are people watching..

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled..

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather..

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two thi….

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it..

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise..

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, wat….

I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose….

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity..

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room..

Congress: Bingo with billions..

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter w….

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born..

God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being..

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin.