Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places..

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise..

Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in form….

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two thi….

If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God..

Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled..

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism..

Congress: Bingo with billions..

I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, ma….

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather..

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity..

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first..

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen..

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, wat….

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics..

Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations..

Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room..

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it..

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist..